Lee Kemp

On my way home last night on the train last night a guy walked past me with a dog. He looked slightly outdoorsy and relatively normal. His dog looked well bred and apart from the thick, fetishistic, studded leather collar there was nothing untoward about either of them. Though I couldn’t recognise the breed it was about the same size as a big bulldog though more naturally dog shaped.

You can’t possibly think a bulldog is dog shaped?!

He then went into the toilet with his dog. It did occur to me to offer to hold the dog while he went but indecision on my part about the social acceptability of doing so meant he was secured in the loo, with pooch, before I could decide. It wasn’t that unusual. I would probably do the same thing. The thought of leaving Alfie to run loose on the train while I point Percy at the porcelain sends shivers.

Then he didn’t come out.

He was still in there when I got off the train forty minutes later. There was no noise, no whining, in fact no sound at all. There was only that little red marker that indicates ‘occupied’.

I approached the guard on the platform and had this conversation;

Lee: “short explanation of weird events, vague concern about total silence”
Guard: “it’s probably the dog washer.”

Long pause.

Lee: “I’m sorry?”
Guard: “The dog washer. There’s some guy who gets on the train, locks himself in the toilet and washes his dog. Leaves the place in a right state every time.”
Lee: Blinks.
Guard: “Thanks. I’ll go and check”.

It was a quiet drive home after that.

Bear with me, it’ll take me a couple of paragraphs to explain why I’m annoyed. But it’s to do with my dog’s arse.

Dogs have glands in their arses. Two small anal glands manufacture a particularly awful smelling liquid that is unique to your dog. This is the aroma your dog is seeking when it smells another dog’s arse.

When your doggie does a toilet, the poop will squeeze against the glands and force some liquid onto the excrement  and essentially barcode it with his own aroma. It’s a statement that tells other dogs “not only have I dropped one here, I want you to know that i’m the one wot done it”. A canine sociological researcher would be able to identify all the areas related to a particular dog’s poop just by scent,  like twitter hashtags but for shit.

If your dog’s diet isn’t perfect he won’t digest food properly, the poop won’t solidify properly and it won’t press against the glands as it comes out. The glands will fill up and become prone to infection. My dog hasn’t got an infection, but you do occasionally get this disgusting metallic stench emanating from his general direction. If your dog is nipping at his hind quarters regularly its often a gland problem and you should take your dog to the vet to get him checked. Your vet will stick a rubber begloved into your dog’s anus and express the excess liquid from the glands.

Tonight we were having a conversation about Marley & Me. It’s shit, don’t bother watching it. But we were talking about how awesome it is having a dog and how completely unconditional a dog’s love is for its owners when a particularly powerful disgusting metallic stench began to emanate. Alfie was laid looking up at me with his gorgeous, expectant brown eyes. He was laying on my new favourite woollen jumper. When it comes to favourite clothes I’m like a kid with a spiderman costume. I find something I like and I wear it continuously until someone responsible peels its decaying mass from my skin.

It took me about half an hour to work out that Alfie’s ass had actually leaked onto my new favourite jumper. Ordinarily you shouldn’t be able to smell what is produced by a dog’s glands. Tonight I could see it.

Alfie’s going to the vets this week. I love my dog more than you would believe, but right now I’m in the market for a vet with really fat fingers.

The other end of Alfie